


You Would Be Happier

by TheZaffreSilverfish



Category: Free!
Genre: Death Wish(TM), Haru has a bad time, M/M, Memory Loss, Starvation, Time travel (kinda), but not really, happy ending I promise, it's another sad one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-24
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2019-08-07 04:40:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16401482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheZaffreSilverfish/pseuds/TheZaffreSilverfish
Summary: "You would be alive if you didn't know me.""What?""You... Wouldn't have died. If we never met. I wish... I wish you didn't know who I was, so that you didn't die that day."I should have known wishes from the dead were powerful.





	You Would Be Happier

**Author's Note:**

> This is another pretty old one. I wrote this maybe three years ago? Anyway I still like it and I wanted to put it up. It's pretty dark and sad for a long time, and I seem to have this obsession with characters getting one final wish after death, as it's a trope I use a lot. Anyway, if you're disturbed by suicide, death, self starvation, or really shitty friends I'd avoid this one.

(Haru)

The images flash across my vision before I'm able to process them.

Red- deeper than cherry preserves- spreads across the pavement.

The green eyes I loved so much, glassy and flat as they stare unseeingly into the afternoon sky.

Soft brown hair slowly becoming matted with the red that stains the ground.

A dented, obnoxiously yellow sports car.

My screams through the air as I run.

I slam my knees onto the ground, my hands flying to his face.

"No no no no no MAKOTO!" I scream, my vision blurred with tears that drip softly onto his rapidly cooling face.

"You can't leave... Mako... MAKOTO YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME!" I'm in hysterics, louder than I ever thought I could get. But I had to be, he wouldn't be able to hear me otherwise.

He can't be gone. He was here- just a minute ago- berating me for jaywalking.

"Haru-chan! This is dangerous!" His last words.

He didn't pay attention, I turned to the sound of his shriek as the car hit him, a dull thunk the only sound apart from squealing brakes.

He was gone the instant the car hit him, sending him flying several meters away.

Paramedics arrived, someone else called them. My phone was in his pocket, and I didn't grab it. I kept a hold of him, sobbing with his head buried in my chest, pleading for him to come back. The paramedics had to pull me away from him as his parents arrived.

His parents blamed me. They pressed charges, since the driver that hit him compensated them monetarily. I didn't fight them, I didn't question why they suddenly were so cold to me, I didn't want to admit the reason out loud.

His death was my fault.

I was the one he was running after, so focused on my safety that he didn't account for his own.

Our friends blamed me too.

"You killed him as much as if you were driving that car! You KNOW he would have done ANYTHING for you, and you let him DIE!" Nagisa screamed at me, Rei holding him back from letting Nagisa hurt me physically. I wish he hadn't. Physical pain would make more sense.

Rin wouldn't look at me. I didn't know what would happen if he did.

I decided on suicide pretty quickly. I couldn't live without him, I didn't know how. And I deserved whatever damnation came with suicide.

The blade of the large kitchen knife went in smoothly. I always kept this knife sharp, it was the most useful. My heart was pierced smoothly, and it didn't take long to die.

Then I heard Makoto, crying. Everything was a heavy black, but I could hear him sobbing as if he was right next to me.

"Makoto?!" I shouted, trying to look around, trying to find him in the dark.

Then I saw him. Standing in his own brilliance against the dark, his hands covering the lower half of his face as he shook with sobs.

I ran to him, hugging him with tears of my own.

"Why are you here?!" Makoto sobbed, returning my hug. He smelled like Makoto, felt like him. It was hard to believe I was dead and so was he.

"I couldn't..." I trailed off, not able to say what I needed too. I knew he understood though.

"You shouldn't have, Haru! Death is the permanent solution to a temporary problem!"

I didn't believe that for a second. Makoto wasn't temporary.

"My problem was just as permanent! I didn't kill myself because everyone blamed me. I did it because I can't live without you, and if you're gone what's the point in carrying on?!"

We cried together for a long time, before I muttered softly, "You would be alive if you didn't know me."

"What?"

"You... Wouldn't have died. If we never met. I wish... I wish you didn't know who I was, so that you didn't die that day."

I should have known wishes from the dead were powerful.

\----

"Hey, Rin. Who's that guy that's always by himself?" Makoto asked, nodding over to the raven haired boy who sat in the back of the room.

"Eh?" Rin replied, confused, before spotting him. "Oh. That's... I think his name's Nanase? He used to be in the swim club with me when we were elementary. He stopped coming in middle school though. He likes to be by himself though. According to rumor he doesn't even have emotions."

"Huh. Nanase. He's so quiet, I guess I never noticed him until now."

Then the friends went back to their conversation.

Haruka Nanase's wish had worked. The world changed itself so that the two boys never met, and Makoto Tachibana forgot everything. Haru still remembered, and was determined to make sure nothing bad happened to Makoto.

As their parents were friends normally, the world fixed itself so that the Nanase's had moved away from their college friends, and then died when Haru was younger, in middle school. Then he moved in with his grandmother, who lived in a tiny apartment not too far from the high school, and had just passed his first year of high school. He now lived on his own in that apartment, and he knew Rin lived in the house that used to be his, having never gone to Australia.

Haru was glad Makoto was friends with Rin. He wasn't surprised that in this new world Nagisa and Rei didn't know him, because it had been Makoto that had introduced them in the first place. There was no swim team at the high school, and the apartment Haru lived in didn't have a bath. He supposed his situation was divine punishment.

Covertly, Haru kept watch of Makoto. Not to interfere with his life, but to make sure that he lived it. The day that Makoto was supposed to have died passed normally, and though Haru knew there was no possible way Makoto could have died, he worried none the less.

But nothing happened. Makoto came to school with Rin the next day, chatting about homework and the like.

Haru nearly cried with relief.

After that, he slipped further and further out of touch with his life. He ate less, he didn't speak, and though he passed his classes, his work wasn't stellar. Haru didn't know what to do, he had no purpose in life. He wasn't trying to die but it seemed he'd already outlived his usefulness in Makoto's life, if he'd ever had any to begin with. Their old lives started to feel like a dream, the best and worst he'd ever had. Without meaning to, Haru began wasting away.

He grew thinner, his features more sunken and pronounced, his eyes dull and lifeless.

Makoto, on the other hand, thrived. To Haru, he had never looked more alive, constantly laughing and having fun. And Haru still looked, a lot while Makoto wasn't looking. He knew Makoto no longer knew who Haru was, so mild confusion would be the only reply if he was caught.

It seemed to Haru that all the life he didn't care about was flowing right into the boy he loved, fueling the taller boys vitality and strength.

And Haru was alright with that.

\----

Makoto Tachibana couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing, but he didn't know what it was. He had good friends, good family, and a good life. There just seemed to be this itch in his brain, like he had forgotten or lost something important.

It got stranger when Rin told him he felt the same thing.

"I can't describe it very well." Rin told him as they were walking to school. "All it feels like is that I'm forgetting something."

When the pair confided in Rei and Nagisa, they both felt the same way. Like something was gone.

"But... Logically this makes so sense!" Rei spluttered out over lunch.

"We get that." Rin shot back, angrily munching on his food. "The question is, why is it all four of us?"

"I feel... I feel like it's a missing someone." Makoto said slowly, trying to process through his complicated and extremely vague feelings. "Like, we were all friends with a person, and we've all forgotten about it."

"But that's silly Mako-chan! I remember every friend I ever make!" Nagisa piped up, nearly spilling rice everywhere. Rei sighed and rolled his eyes, having moved the smaller boys lunch just in time.

"Doesn't change the fact that that's what it feels like." Rin answered, still somewhat annoyed.

"True. I wonder if we really have forgotten someone." Rei mused, giving a silently pleading Nagisa back his lunch.

The four continued to muse over the topic as they ate, each listing out the names of people they knew, finding that no one fit.

"This is ridiculous! You'd think at least one of us would remember if it bugged us this much!" Rin huffed, throwing his arms up in the air dramatically.

"Calm down, Rin." Makoto said placatingly. "I'm sure we'll remember eventually."

But after two more weeks of tossing the idea around, no one could come up with the missing friend.

Makoto and Rin's class changed their seats after the second week. Rin and Makoto ended up close to each other, where previously they had been on opposite sides. They also sat in front of and next to Nanase Haruka, who by some luck didn't end up moving his seat at all.

Haru felt he was finally in hell. That this was the worlds best punishment for both his stupidity, his suicide, and how difficult his wish was to fulfill. He kept a pleasantly blank face when his oldest friends entered the class every morning, and ended up staring intently but covertly into the back of Makoto's head everyday (he was the one who ended up in front of Haru), wishing without wishing that he could have those beautiful green eyes on him again, and cursing himself for even thinking about ruining the peace of Makoto's life.

Luckily, Haru mused, the pair of friends were too caught up in something else to see his slow emaciation. It wouldn't do to have them suddenly begin worrying about someone they don't even know.

Haru knew what he was allowing to happen wasn't healthy, but the way he saw it, it wasn't truly suicide. His lack of appetite wasn't his choice, he just wasn't forcing himself to eat. If he died from starvation Haru couldn't call it suicide, just self-negligence and apathy.

To make sure Rin and Makoto never saw much of anything, Haru wore a baggy sweater over his now too loose uniform shirt. It was getting colder outside, so he had a perfect excuse. He didn't worry about what would happen when spring came around, because logically he knew he wouldn't last that long.

\----

It was Rin who figured it out, in the end. Gou kept talking about the amazing swimmers from Samezuka, and one afternoon he had to chase her down, because she'd gone to spy on their practice again. Something about the trip from his house to the school felt familiar, but it wasn't until he had deftly gotten into the campus unnoticed without any issues, something in him knowing exactly where to go, that he began to really think.

Once Gou was firmly home- Rin having berated her the whole way- the wine-haired boy turned on his laptop and began to search.

One sleepless night later he had his answer, and a lot of memories. An entire life's worth.

The next morning, when Makoto came to fetch him, the taller boy could tell something was different immediately. Rin looked uncomfortable looking at Makoto, about completing the same morning routine he knew the boy had kept his whole life.

"Did you figure it out?" Makoto asked softly as the boys were walking.

Rin stopped walking.

"You're not going to like it, Mako. Not one bit."

"Tell me anyway. I assume this is something I really need to know...?"

"Let me tell you after school. I want to check something. Just... Just give me that long to come up with an explanation."

Makoto being who he is, he let the subject drop, and the two friends continued to walk to school in silence.

Rin's mind couldn't leave his newfound memories. He needed to check on Haru, because he couldn't remember what Haru looked like now. Did he look the same? Did he remember anything? Rin was swimming in guilt from a particular memory.

He had gone to talk to Haru. He felt like a jackass for getting mad at one of his oldest friends, and he had gone to apologize and hopefully convince Haru to take a break from everything and go with him to Australia for a few weeks. He had convinced the Tachibana's to drop the charges, mostly by pointing out that it was Makoto's choice to look after Haru, and that just as easily it could have been Haru they buried last week.

But when he got to Haru's house...

He'd never forget the soft but sad smile frozen on Haru's face, surrounded by a drying pool of blood, a kitchen knife buried in his chest. He was surprised he was able to forget it at all.

In the dark corners of the Internet there were theories of the dead getting one final wish, and the ways to tell if someone had gone back in time to make it so that they never died. One sign was the knowledge of memory loss, like Rin and the others had, another was finding a person that might not fit in if you knew your memory was changed. After that Rin had gotten a text from Nagisa, and scrolling through his phone contacts he was stopped short at the H's, when he knew there was a name missing, and all he was coming up with was 'Haru'. Once the name came back, the memories did too.

Rin almost gasped when he saw Haru that morning. He had never seen the boy so pale or so thin. There was the look of someone who wanted to die, but didn't have the heart to commit suicide. Rin wanted to hug him and shout at him at the same time, but he kept his face neutral, glad Haru was trying to ignore their presence. Now that Rin knew the truth, it was hard to get through the day, knowing he was supposed to be in a different school, with different friends at his side. Makoto, Nagisa, and Rei were still his friends, he still had memories of a life with them, but he also discovered he missed Ai and Momo.

And Sousuke.

At this revelation more memories were revealed. Long talks, races, love letters, an entire relationship built on tears and distance. Rin was glad the revelation came when he was in the bathroom, because now he began to cry.

He had dated Sousuke before everything happened. And now the tall, dark-haired teen didn't know who he was.

He could barely wait until after school to tell Makoto and the others.

After school, he had everyone gather at Makoto's house. He quickly explained to Makoto that he needed to find someone- another friend they were missing- and sprinted down to the train that would lead him to Samezuka.

Luckily, Sousuke was heading out to the convenience store, as Rin knew he often did before swim practice.

"Sousuke Yamazaki!" He shouted, a block away from him. Teal met red, and a flash of confused recognition passed through Sousuke's eyes as the redhead caught up to him.

"Yes, you know me. My name is Rin, and though you don't remember me, we went to middle school together. We also go to Samezuka together, but something bad happened so now we don't remember anything. I know it doesn't make sense, but-"

Rin got cut off by Sousuke's mouth pressing firmly on his own, the taller's large hands coming out of his pockets to wrap around the smaller redhead.

Pulling away a millimeter, Sousuke's pained voice carried a thousand memories as he whispered out, "I missed you so much, and I didn't even know it. I remember you Rin, and I won't ever forget again."

"I love you." Rin rasped out, tears streaking down his face, crying enough for the both of them. This whole day had been a whirlwind of emotion and pain, and he was ready for it to be over.

"I love you too." Came the strained reply, tears shining in the corners of teal eyes.

After another few minutes, Rin pulled back, keeping their hands laced.

"I haven't told everyone else yet. I remembered you this afternoon and couldn't wait to see you again. I'm sorry I didn't remember you first, I didn't know what I was looking for."

Rin explained everything to Sousuke on the way back to Makoto's house, helping the taller boy to remember the Iwatobi boys and Makoto's death, and explaining what he thought had happened after Haru committed suicide, and what he looked like now.

"I've never particularly enjoyed Nanase, but we need to fix everything. Get us back where we're supposed to be, and come out with both of them alive." Sousuke said plainly, walking down the final street to Makoto's house, Rin's hand clasped firmly in his.

"I agree." Rin replied.

Makoto didn't look particularly surprised to see Rin holding hands with some random boy. Nagisa and Rei just about fell out of their seats, however, until they were given a look from the green eyes "gentle" giant.

"This is Sousuke." Rin stated, looking at the five of them assembled in Makoto's room. "You know him, but you don't remember him. He's one of the people we've been trying to remember for the last three weeks. This is gonna sound crazy, but the longer I talk, the more it'll start to make sense."

Makoto was the first to cry. He remembered Haru first, as soon as Rin said something about living in the wrong house, and not being the right person at Makoto's side. Rin didn't want to say names until everyone had figured it out, and luckily it didn't take long. Rin comforted Makoto as he cried, and only told him about Haru's suicide, mostly because he needed to know. The others never found out, and it was something Rin felt could only be told to the green-eyed boy.

Makoto wanted to immediately find out where Haru was, but eventually they all agreed that Makoto would skip school the next day- he couldn't handle seeing Haru and not giving away everything before they were ready to- and Rin would find out where Haru currently lived. Then, after school, they would all go over and confront the freestyle swimmer. Hopefully they could convince Haru that everything was okay, that no one truly blamed him, and all figure out a plan to get their normal lives back.

Haru was having a harder time moving around now that it was solidly cold outside. Everything began to hurt, and he couldn't seem to stay warm. He wondered if death could come faster, simply to put him out of his misery.

It was only Rin at school today, and he caught part of a conversation the redhead had with his classmates.

"Mako got sick last night, so he called me and said he wasn't coming today."

"Aw! I hope Tachibana-kun gets better soon!"

"Me too, hopefully he's back tomorrow."

Haru felt bad. He knew how Makoto got when he was sick. His mom probably forced him to stay home, taking the day off to make sure that her son did something more than sleep through the day. Haru wanted to leave school and walk the familiar road to Makoto's house, and stay with the boy in place of his mother, telling her there was no point in going to school when he wouldn't learn anything anyway. His fingers itched to be in their kitchen, cooking something warm and pleasant for Makoto, and his lips burned with the desire to kiss his feverish forehead, as he had done so many times before, even before they had become anything more than friends.

Even after neglecting himself so much, Haru still burned to take care of Makoto.

Haru spent the day trying to make himself concentrate, but failed as usual, staring at the empty desk on front of him and out the window, idly doodling to make it look like he was taking notes. Eventually he looked down to a perfect sketch of Makoto the last time he was sick. He carefully flipped to a new page before Rin got curious, though he couldn't imagine why the redhead would pick today of all days to look over at him.

Getting home was a struggle for Haru. The walk to school had been better, he hadn't been awake as long, and hadn't used as much energy. It look him a half hour to walk a mile and a half, a trip that normally he could have jogged in ten minutes. He knew it wouldn't be long until he collapsed of malnutrition.

Haru just didn't want it to hurt as badly as it did to die this way.

\----

Rin had Haru's address after not much convincing from the secretary. The second he said he was worried about Haru's health, she had passed it over without a word.

Rin sprinted to Makoto's where everyone else was already waiting. Sousuke had cut the last fifteen minutes of class to get to Makoto's in good time, and had informed his parents that the reason he had was that a friend needed an intervention, which was mostly the truth.

The walk to the apartment building was relatively quick. They got directions from the building manager, who was also growing concerned about Haru.

"He's been getting back later and later for the last few weeks. Please make sure he's taking care of himself. He really is a nice boy." The old woman said, gazing worriedly at the five boys before her.

After a sharp knock on Haru's door, all five boys hearts were in their throats. Rin stood in front, next to Makoto. Nagisa and Rei stood on Makoto's side, and Sousuke had a hold on the hand that Rin hadn't used to knock.

The door opened, and twin gasps were heard.

\----

(Haru)

I didn't expect anyone to knock on my door after I got home. I supposed it could be my neighbor, who liked to bring me food, but then she usually wasn't home for another little while.

Opening the door, my lungs filled with air.

They were all standing there. Rin with Sousuke holding one of his hands, Nagisa and Rei.

And Makoto, looking perfectly healthy, if a bit worried.

Immediately I was lifted harshly into the air before being crushed into strong arms. It hurt, it hurt so much, but I don't think I'vet ever had a better hug.

"I'm sorry." I wheezed out as soon as I could find my voice, moving my arms to return the hug as best I could.

"You'd better be sorry!" Makoto's voice was filled with emotion. "How could you think I didn't want to know you? I made the choice to follow you, regardless of my own safety. Not knowing you made my life empty. I had friends, but I have always needed you. I would die a million times for you, Haruka."

I was crying. I couldn't help it. In a moment, Makoto had said everything I hadn't known I needed to hear.

"I love you. I'm sorry I hurt you." I told him, my disused voice scratching my throat on its way out.  
.  
"I love you too." He replied, placing a kiss on the top of my head, before stepping back.

Makoto was crying as well, but for different reasons. I knew he could tell exactly how thin I had become when he hugged me, and before I could say anything my shirt was lifted, and I heard several more gasps, and a quiet "oh Haru" from Makoto.

I couldn't look anyone in the eyes, now feeling guilt coming in waves. I shouldn't have let myself get so bad, just as I shouldn't have made that stupid wish.

Makoto knelt down and softly placed a chaste kiss on the hollow space between my ribs and my stomach, and I could feel more tears on his face, just as I could feel more in my eyes.

"I wish everything could go back to the way it was before we died." Makoto said, so quietly it was hard to catch him.

I blinked, and my alarm clock was going off. I was laying in my bed, and the morning sun was streaming in through the window.

7:05 a.m.

September 8th

The morning of the day he was supposed to die.

I sat up carefully, and noticed that things weren't completely as they had been. I was still thin, likely my actual divine punishment, and unlike last time, Makoto was sleeping beside me.

His green eyes were open and he was smiling softly.

"Morning, Haru-chan." He said, pulling me back down.

"Drop the -chan." I murmured back, dragging a bony hand through his hair.

We had fake memories of how to explain my thinness. Makoto and I had "broken up" over something stupid I had said and I got so depressed I stopped eating. We were together again of course, our memories telling us it had happened last night, and now our lives could finally get back to how they were supposed to be.

Both of our phones went off signaling a text. It was Rin, telling us he was with Sousuke in their dorm, they were coming over after school, and to have a good day.

I didn't linger in the bath today, but I did stay in there a while, Makoto talking to me as he got ready. He told me about his memories of a life without me, and we briefly discussed our newest memories, not dwelling too long on it.

"It would have been nice if my wish was actually fulfilled, because it was supposed to include you as well." Makoto huffed, straightening his tie.

"Divine retribution." I replied quietly, pulling the plug on my tub. "But you get to live with me until I'm normal, and we could probably get away with having you stay longer."

As we continued to talk I made breakfast, then got dressed, and life went on, as it was supposed to.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for getting to the end! Hope you enjoyed it.
> 
> Wonder if I've got anything else? I'm working on several pieces right now, I'll try to upload every Wednesday (around 4 pm Arizona time) but I don't tend to stay in the same 'verse. Check me out, see if I've written anything else you want.
> 
> Have a great day!


End file.
